I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
