I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
