i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
