I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
