I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
