You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
