Well apparently he's into motor boating.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
