Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
