Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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