I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
