I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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