put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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