The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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