Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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