I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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