Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
