Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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