I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
