so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
