I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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