I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Ladies don't puke and tell
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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