Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
