Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
