if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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