When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
