Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
