why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
