Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
