I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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