Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
