she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
