she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize