My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
