sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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