I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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