Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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