I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
