I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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