I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
