is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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