I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
