i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
