I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
