Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
