I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
