I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
