so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
