when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
