I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize