Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
