why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Are my feet made of real feet?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
