for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
