she's into porn, im staying here tonight
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
