I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
