New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize