i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
That's intense
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize