Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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