I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
